Attachment wobbles, fear of vulnerability, and ambivalence.
Mixed signals — even to yourself
You want to feel close to people.
You long to be known, seen, cared for.
But when someone gets too close, you might suddenly feel uneasy — exposed, wary, like you want to retreat.
It can feel like a tug-of-war inside: part of you wants connection, part of you doesn’t trust it.
There’s often a good reason for the push-pull
This ambivalence isn’t irrational.
It often comes from early experiences where closeness was inconsistent — or even unsafe.
Maybe the people you relied on were emotionally unpredictable.
Maybe you had to earn love by being “good” or self-sufficient.
Maybe vulnerability didn’t lead to care — it led to criticism, rejection, or neglect.
So your nervous system learned to stay alert. To not get too comfortable.
You might crave intimacy — and also brace against it.
Patterns that can show up
You might:
- Crave intimacy, but feel smothered when someone leans in
- Test people to see if they’ll stick around
- Worry that you’re too much… or not enough
- Keep your guard up even in safe relationships
Sometimes, you might even sabotage the closeness you want — without meaning to.
That could look like picking fights, pulling away just as things start to feel good, or talking yourself out of trusting someone who’s shown they care.
It can feel frustrating: “Why do I do this?”
But usually, it’s not about rejection for the sake of it — it’s about protection.
Self-sabotage is often a sign that your system is trying to keep you safe from pain you’ve known before.
And while those patterns once helped you survive, they might now be getting in the way of the connection you long for.
Therapy can help you get curious — not critical
You don’t need to force closeness before you’re ready.
And you don’t need to get rid of your defences overnight.
In therapy, we can explore what these patterns are trying to protect — and what it might feel like to move slowly, safely, towards connection.
Not by pushing yourself.
But by listening inward.
And offering yourself the same care you’re hoping to find in others.